"he just winds me up," he said.

"i get so frustrated." The silence was palpable in the air of the living room. "It just takes one look, one glimpse of his name somewhere and my fists start to clench. I have dreams at night and gnash my teeth."

Johnny Doe is just a regular ol' dude that isn't usually one to keep grudges. "The history between us is years old by now, and I'm supposed to have moved on, right? But I just can't seem to let it go, especially when I get reminded about it all the time on Facebook or whatnot. It's really an inconvenience to know so many of the same people. I never thought I'd be pissed off that I'm social."

Doe held his head in his hands and wiggled his toes, staring down at them with a resigned sigh. All through the interview he'd been fidgeting constantly as if the subject matter made him physically uncomfortable. Frequent eye-rolling ensued on behalf of the interviewer out of sight of the interviewee.

"There's no gain to it at all, for either of us," he said. "You know? Sure, it gives you a kind of dirty pleasure to shoot him down and talk shit about him behind his back, but you wait a day and you wake up and feel ashamed at yourself. I've tried a couple of times to do the mature thing and try and patch things up to no avail, and my friends have told me that it's a waste of time. They don't seem to understand how hard it is for me to let go; I have trouble understanding it myself. I guess I really feel uncomfortable with the idea that somewhere out there is a person who thoroughly loathes me, that hates me enough to want to tell other people just how horrible I am. I can't imagine myself being that bad, but I worry..."

He shook his head and looked out the window. Birds squawked and hopped around on the power lines above the row of houses. In the good old days, men who had an issue with each other would simply fight, and that would be the end of it. "On one hand it feels kind of manly to keep all this pent-up rage, but on the other hand it feels not only juvenile but even feminine to maintain this grudge for no good reason."

Although Doe is clearly a grade AAA corn-fed retard, at least he realizes how womanly he is. A recent study by the Mayo Clinic discovered that young men of today often develop phantom period cramps in keeping with their staggeringly high estrogen levels and poor body image. What a bunch of fairies.

"Sometimes I just want to punch that shithead in the teeth. I bet I could go twelve rounds with that douchebag and never get tired of hurting him."

That's the spirit, sonny.